How to get started on the World Wide Web

A guide for absolute beginners

1. Go into the Library. There are other computers available, but this is the simplest place to start. Don't go to the Arts computer cluster on the ground floor of the Arts Building. Those aged machines don't seem to be able to get on to the Web.

2. Find a computer that will give you Web access. Basically, there are two kinds. One kind is in glass booths at the far end of the Library on most floors: walk straight through the Library until you come to the back stairs and go up, looking on every floor for rooms with large glass doors and windows that have computers inside. The alternative is to look for computers that have the on them the words 'Multifunctional terminal'; they are usually near a sign saying ' Network Services '. There are some on the ground floor (go straight ahead from the entry into the library: you come to a bank of computers on the left; the Web access ones are nearest the wall) or on other floors, such as the English floor, where there are two.

3. Note: if 200 students of the first year all descend on these computers at once, there will be long queues. I am in a quandary about this: my job is to tell you how to get online; strictly, it's the university's job to provide the computers. If there aren't enough to go round, then all I can say is, please let me know, and I'll pass the information on strongly. In the meantime, you'll find it easier to get online if you go very early or after 5 pm, the later the better. There are also computers in the Halls of Residence that may be easier to get on to: I don't know about this, and I would be grateful for any information.

4. You are now sitting in front of a computer. If the screen is blank check that there are little lights on in the computer bit (the box on which the screen stands). If not, push the button that switches it on (it has a little logo like a 'C' with a line through it). If the screen is still blank, push the same kind of button at the bottom of the screen part of the machine to switch that on. If still blank, the thing is broken (don't worry: you didn't break it): find another computer. You can swear at this point if you want to.

5. You are now sitting in front of a computer whose screen is not blank. You are almost there. If what is on the screen is headed 'Netscape' and has buttons along the top saying things like 'back' and 'home', then you are very very nearly there, and can skip to step 8.

6. If you are in a glass booth with smart modern computers, they are probably presenting you with a little box that says 'Enter network password'. The interesting thing about this is that you don't have to enter a network password. If you expected the world of computers to be rational, rethink your preconceptions. What you have to do is click on 'OK'. When you have done that Windows will get going, and eventually stabilise with the result that you have at the lower left of the screen an icon that says 'Netscape communicator'. Double click (ie click the left hand mouse button twice fast) while the pointer is over that icon. Netscape will start to run.

7. During the process of startup there's a fair bit of waiting to be done while the screen does intimidating things. Be patient. If however you get stuck, the machine is silent, no little lights blinking on and off, nothing is happening, and it's not obvious what to do next, then the thing to do is to take control of the situation and switch the damn thing off. Wait 30 seconds, then switch it on again. This shows the computer that you're in charge and are not prepared to put up with any nonsense. Wait for the ridiculous password ritual, and follow the above instructions, from (6). Don't however repeat this process if it still doesn't get you anywhere: computers don't much like being switched on and off too much. Get help.

8. By whatever route, at whatever computer, you should now be in Netscape. Things will now get easier. You are on the Web. Click on the Home button at the top of the screen. You will either be in the Welcome to the University of Birmingham screen (the Birmingham University Home page) or the Information services home page. If the latter, wait until it all loads up and no further screen activity is taking place, and scroll down to the bottom of the page (click in the vertical bar on the right'. You will see a small box with the message "University Home Page". Click on it. You are now in the Birmingham University Home screen. Wait until it has fully arrived.

9. Scroll down until you see a button called 'Schools and Departments'. Click on it. At the next screen, scroll down until you come to 'English'. Click on it. Scroll down the English page until you see 'Tom Davis's Teaching pages'. Click on that. Find 'Absolute Beginners'. Click on that. The resulting page will tell you what to do next. Congratulations on getting this far! If you don't, let me know.